My Tent

"I see, I hear, I smell, I speak."
Almost two months ago at my grandfather's funeral, the pastor addressed the children at the gravesite about how our bodies are the "tents" that God gives us. It was a wonderful message, explaining our belief that our souls go to heaven upon death. And that while we are living, God gives us a heart so that we can love, arms so that we can hug, legs so that we can walk, eyes so that we can see, lips so we can talk, etc.

I laughed to myself, because when my children, nieces and nephews were toddlers, my Mom would always take their hands and point to their eyes, ears, nose and mouth while saying, "I see, I hear, I smell, I speak." After the funeral, I told her this, and she said, "See, I knew what I was talking about!" Hilarious.

So here's my tent, that God gave me...

Mother Nature
I was born with one kidney and partial reproductive organs. Twelve years ago I chose to undergo fertility treatments, which resulted in the loss of two babies, many weeks of bedrest, and an amazing, healthy daughter. Several more fertility attempts two years later led to mourning the loss of never bearing another child, and to being matched through adoption with an incredible, resilient son.

Ironic that now I am faced with pre-cancer in my reproductive organs. The hysterectomy that I was scheduled to have five weeks ago - then my breast cancer was discovered - is now postponed to next Spring. So the way I look at it is - I was given these organs to have my daughter, and I was given the test of fertility to lead to adoption (a whole other story there on all the "signs" that our son was MEANT for us!). Now, I don't need any of that jazz. Take it.

My Hair
I have struggled with trichotillomania for 20 years. I was at my worst a year prior to my divorce, when I had a 3 x 4 inch patch missing on the top of my head. No one knew, of course, except those whom I shared this with. I was to the point of not being able to hide it. The only way to give my hair a chance to grow back was to wear a hair replacement system that was created to match my hair and was sewn into my existing hair to hold it in place. I called them extensions. I wore that for 1.5 years to regrow my hair because I couldn't get to it to pull it. I have NOT worn the replacement for 1.5 years, and nine months ago was the first time in seven years that I could style my hair without having to worry about covering up a bald spot. My hair is now the same length as my replacement - all on my own! 

Again, ironic that now that I am healing from this, I face chemotherapy-induced hair loss in the next two weeks. I went through a ton of shame and humility in destructing my own self. Healing through that and regrowing my hair has helped me to increase my self esteem. I see this experience as preparing me to be bald, not of my own accord, and having it be an extremely public thing.

My Breasts
And then there's my breasts. I have always joked - put a tit on a butt cheek and see if guys get as excited. It's fat, people. Lumps of fat with nipples. The immediate reconstructive surgery has saved my emotions. I am 39 and single, so this was a MAJOR concern of mine. So the ONLY thing that has saved me is that I know, and I can see, something is coming that is much greater than those hefty "DDDs" I was toting around. My breasts are gone. Nothing more to say here.

My Tent
My tent. That is all it is. A shell. What really counts, and what I believe the pastor was trying to tell the kids, is this:

We have our body for the time that we need it. After that, our soul - our mind, our visual and audible memories, our emotions, and the love in our hearts - is what goes on... forever... and ever. Amen.


Quote for today:
"You may be banged up and feeling like fifty cents rather than a million bucks, but remember, this body of yours is only a temporary house built to protect the righteous Aphrodite within. Worship her." ~ Kris Carr, author of Crazy, Sexy Cancer Tips, from Chapter Seven, Bald is Beautiful 

Courtesy of the American Cancer Society and those who donate to it, I have some gorgeous wigs, great scarves, and adorable hats. I'm feeling okay about it, but yet a bit squeamish. Please help me by giving me hints on what to do with fashion, how to wear these things, and most of all - compliment me (even if you don't mean it!). Crying while I write this, John just put his arms around me and said "The most important and ONLY thing you need to wear is your smile". Everyone supporting me have given me SO many reasons to smile. I plan to do just that. ~ Gwen


Genesis 1:27
So God created man
in his own image,
in the image of God
he created him;
male and female
he created them.

Beautiful, by Mercy Me 

I love God's imprint of myself. He gave me, and omitted from me, what he did for a reason. The value of my own worth is not for me to figure out. It is my responsibility to use the gifts He has given me to live in His world. I only hope I use those gifts to the fullest of His intent. As the song linked above says, I have the heart to fight this fight. It's the biggest part of my tent so far. ~ Gwen